We all have trials
in our lives. We are given trials to see if we will have faith in
our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ to help us overcome our trials.
We are promised that we will never be given a trial that is too
great for us individually to bear. We have experience such a trial.
Seven weeks ago, we
found out that we were pregnant with our third baby. We were so
excited that we were able to get pregnant the exact time that we had
planned and the first month that we tried. The timeline of when I
finished nursing Colton and when my cycle returned all worked out
perfectly to be able to get pregnant when we wanted.
The first pregnancy
test we took had a very faint 'control' line and an even more faint
'test' line. We knew this test would not be reliable, so we took
another one the next day. This one was a digital test and the result
was positive, but when we opened it up to see the actual lines, the
positive 'test' line was again quite faint. I took one more test two
days later and got the same result: positive, but faint. We still
weren't sure if this really meant that I was pregnant or not. So I
told my co-workers and our families, but I still didn't quite believe
it because I never felt pregnant. A week or two later, I decided to
take one more test, which came out with a full dark positive line.
We were definitely pregnant. We still thought it was really weird
that the positive lines were so faint in the beginning, because it
had never been that way with the other two. I never got nauseous or
felt any different at all through the next few weeks. I almost
forgot that I was pregnant.
This past Saturday
night, I noticed some spotting. I let Chase know and he wasn't quite
as supportive and sympathetic as I expected. That, along with what
was going on, made me pretty upset for the rest of the nigh, but we
realized there was nothing we could do but wait and see what
happened. After I got home from church on Sunday, it was more than
just spotting. I decided to talk to the midwife on call for the
weekend. She said it was most likely a miscarriage, but not always.
She wanted me to take it easy for the rest of the day and come in to
have my hCG level in my blood tested twice to see if the level was
rising or falling. If it was rising, I was still pregnant. If it
was falling, I was miscarrying. All I could do was wait and worry.
I went to work Monday morning and snuck out between patients to run
over to get my blood drawn. I was told nothing besides wait for the
results tomorrow. So I went back to work for the rest of the day,
but decided to take Tuesday off. Chase and I had Monday night off
together and I spent it sitting on the couch. I thought I should put
myself on bed rest, essentially, just in case I wasn't miscarrying.
Chase didn't quite understand why I was sitting around not helping
with the kids all night and got pretty upset at me, which I, in turn
freaked out on him. After I was able to explain what I was doing and
what I needed from him emotionally, things were much better. I spent
all day Tuesday on the couch. Chase was so wonderful at taking care
of the house and the kids that day. Amazing what he can do when he
has to do double duty! It was definitely nice to have a day off
together. I loved it!
I never got a call
with my results on Tuesday, so I went in Wednesday morning to have my
blood drawn again. I got the number of my results while I was there,
but no other information. I went home and found out my hCG levels
were that of around 6 weeks pregnant and I was 8 ½. This was pretty
disappointing and made me realize this was probably a miscarriage.
My midwife's nurse finally called that afternoon to discuss my
results with me. My hCG was at 1060. They also tested my
progesterone level because they have seen a trend in women who
miscarry that they have very low levels of progesterone. My was just
that. It was 0.9 and it should be between 8 and 48. So they
prescribed a progesterone supplement for me to start taking right
away. She told me there wasn't much else we could do but wait for
the results of my second blood draw. But still, I stayed on my
self-induced bed rest all of Wednesday and again on Thursday. I
called Thursday just before they closed and they didn't have my
results yet. Finally at 7:00 that night, I got a call from my
midwife. My level had dropped to 270, indicating that I was
definitely having a miscarriage. This was disappointing, for sure,
but it was also a relief to finally have the answer. My midwife
answered all of my questions and told me to come see her in two
weeks.
I told my family
and my co-workers. I cannot believe how much love and support I
received from all of them. It is truly touching. It was comforting
to know that there were several mothers in my support group who had
gone through this same thing and had felt the way I did at one point.
I told them all I was doing well, even though some didn't believe
me! I had really been grieving and thinking and praying all week
before I broke the news, so I really was doing better and better each
day.
Through prayer, my
Heavenly Father has blessed me with comfort from The Holy Ghost.
I've had The Spirit as a close companion this week. I had a lot
going through my mind throughout the week and many impressions given
to me as to why we were given this trial.
From the beginning,
this pregnancy was just a little different. We never really bonded
with the baby. Since I wasn't quite sure if I was actually pregnant
until 2 weeks after my first test and I never had ANY signs or
symptoms of pregnancy, I still didn't quite believe it. I almost
sort of knew that this one was different and to maybe not get too
attached. I don't know why, I just had that feeling. I've also read
that most miscarriages happen because there is something physically
wrong with the baby, so that was a possibility for sure.
I had also been
feeling extremely overwhelmed with my kids the week before. I had
prayed a lot for help with them and to stop losing my temper so
easily. Maybe Heavenly Father knew I wasn't quite ready for another
one. Even though we had planned this pregnancy, as soon as I found
out I was pregnant, I definitely felt unsure if I could handle it
all. This was probably Heavenly Father's way of helping me out a
little bit. Just to give me a few more months for the kids to grow
up a little more.
I also had the
thought that maybe I am supposed to actually have 4 kids? We had
decided on having only three kids. Before I got pregnant, I told
Heavenly Father that if He wanted me to have four, he would have to
give me twins. Well, this may have been his way of doing things. I
believe that I will be a mother to this child in heaven and it is a
very special spirit. I feel like Heavenly Father wanted to make sure
I was able to be the mother of the next child I have and I would not
have had that opportunity had I not miscarried this baby.
I've also been
really depressed about my weight recently, since I never really took
much of the baby weight off after having Colton. I kept saying I'll
start working on it soon. Well, that never happened and I just
became more and more depressed about it. So maybe this is my
opportunity to lower my weight before getting pregnant again. I sure
hope I can have the motivation and self control to accomplish it.
Luckily, I have an awesome buddy to help me over these next few
months.
This also could
just be a trial for me to overcome. I love how close The Spirit has
been through it all and that I have amazing friends and family that
are so caring and concerned for my well being this week. I love you
all!
