Trials - April 2015

We all have trials in our lives. We are given trials to see if we will have faith in our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ to help us overcome our trials. We are promised that we will never be given a trial that is too great for us individually to bear. We have experience such a trial.

Seven weeks ago, we found out that we were pregnant with our third baby. We were so excited that we were able to get pregnant the exact time that we had planned and the first month that we tried. The timeline of when I finished nursing Colton and when my cycle returned all worked out perfectly to be able to get pregnant when we wanted.

The first pregnancy test we took had a very faint 'control' line and an even more faint 'test' line. We knew this test would not be reliable, so we took another one the next day. This one was a digital test and the result was positive, but when we opened it up to see the actual lines, the positive 'test' line was again quite faint. I took one more test two days later and got the same result: positive, but faint. We still weren't sure if this really meant that I was pregnant or not. So I told my co-workers and our families, but I still didn't quite believe it because I never felt pregnant. A week or two later, I decided to take one more test, which came out with a full dark positive line. We were definitely pregnant. We still thought it was really weird that the positive lines were so faint in the beginning, because it had never been that way with the other two. I never got nauseous or felt any different at all through the next few weeks. I almost forgot that I was pregnant.

This past Saturday night, I noticed some spotting. I let Chase know and he wasn't quite as supportive and sympathetic as I expected. That, along with what was going on, made me pretty upset for the rest of the nigh, but we realized there was nothing we could do but wait and see what happened. After I got home from church on Sunday, it was more than just spotting. I decided to talk to the midwife on call for the weekend. She said it was most likely a miscarriage, but not always. She wanted me to take it easy for the rest of the day and come in to have my hCG level in my blood tested twice to see if the level was rising or falling. If it was rising, I was still pregnant. If it was falling, I was miscarrying. All I could do was wait and worry. I went to work Monday morning and snuck out between patients to run over to get my blood drawn. I was told nothing besides wait for the results tomorrow. So I went back to work for the rest of the day, but decided to take Tuesday off. Chase and I had Monday night off together and I spent it sitting on the couch. I thought I should put myself on bed rest, essentially, just in case I wasn't miscarrying. Chase didn't quite understand why I was sitting around not helping with the kids all night and got pretty upset at me, which I, in turn freaked out on him. After I was able to explain what I was doing and what I needed from him emotionally, things were much better. I spent all day Tuesday on the couch. Chase was so wonderful at taking care of the house and the kids that day. Amazing what he can do when he has to do double duty! It was definitely nice to have a day off together. I loved it!

I never got a call with my results on Tuesday, so I went in Wednesday morning to have my blood drawn again. I got the number of my results while I was there, but no other information. I went home and found out my hCG levels were that of around 6 weeks pregnant and I was 8 ½. This was pretty disappointing and made me realize this was probably a miscarriage. My midwife's nurse finally called that afternoon to discuss my results with me. My hCG was at 1060. They also tested my progesterone level because they have seen a trend in women who miscarry that they have very low levels of progesterone. My was just that. It was 0.9 and it should be between 8 and 48. So they prescribed a progesterone supplement for me to start taking right away. She told me there wasn't much else we could do but wait for the results of my second blood draw. But still, I stayed on my self-induced bed rest all of Wednesday and again on Thursday. I called Thursday just before they closed and they didn't have my results yet. Finally at 7:00 that night, I got a call from my midwife. My level had dropped to 270, indicating that I was definitely having a miscarriage. This was disappointing, for sure, but it was also a relief to finally have the answer. My midwife answered all of my questions and told me to come see her in two weeks.

I told my family and my co-workers. I cannot believe how much love and support I received from all of them. It is truly touching. It was comforting to know that there were several mothers in my support group who had gone through this same thing and had felt the way I did at one point. I told them all I was doing well, even though some didn't believe me! I had really been grieving and thinking and praying all week before I broke the news, so I really was doing better and better each day.

Through prayer, my Heavenly Father has blessed me with comfort from The Holy Ghost. I've had The Spirit as a close companion this week. I had a lot going through my mind throughout the week and many impressions given to me as to why we were given this trial.

From the beginning, this pregnancy was just a little different. We never really bonded with the baby. Since I wasn't quite sure if I was actually pregnant until 2 weeks after my first test and I never had ANY signs or symptoms of pregnancy, I still didn't quite believe it. I almost sort of knew that this one was different and to maybe not get too attached. I don't know why, I just had that feeling. I've also read that most miscarriages happen because there is something physically wrong with the baby, so that was a possibility for sure.

I had also been feeling extremely overwhelmed with my kids the week before. I had prayed a lot for help with them and to stop losing my temper so easily. Maybe Heavenly Father knew I wasn't quite ready for another one. Even though we had planned this pregnancy, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I definitely felt unsure if I could handle it all. This was probably Heavenly Father's way of helping me out a little bit. Just to give me a few more months for the kids to grow up a little more.

I also had the thought that maybe I am supposed to actually have 4 kids? We had decided on having only three kids. Before I got pregnant, I told Heavenly Father that if He wanted me to have four, he would have to give me twins. Well, this may have been his way of doing things. I believe that I will be a mother to this child in heaven and it is a very special spirit. I feel like Heavenly Father wanted to make sure I was able to be the mother of the next child I have and I would not have had that opportunity had I not miscarried this baby.

I've also been really depressed about my weight recently, since I never really took much of the baby weight off after having Colton. I kept saying I'll start working on it soon. Well, that never happened and I just became more and more depressed about it. So maybe this is my opportunity to lower my weight before getting pregnant again. I sure hope I can have the motivation and self control to accomplish it. Luckily, I have an awesome buddy to help me over these next few months.

This also could just be a trial for me to overcome. I love how close The Spirit has been through it all and that I have amazing friends and family that are so caring and concerned for my well being this week. I love you all!